One of the basic control techniques a narcissist uses is isolation. A sophisticated narcissist will use subtle forms, and then over time they'll double down. The idea is to make you lose your sense of reality and identity, make you totally co-dependent on them, and feeds into their need to control their environment and the people within it.
Here’s how to recognize the clever ways a narcissist isolates you and examples from my own experience with being in a relationship with one.
They isolate you from your longtime friends and family
It started out from the very beginning; "I'm a very private person", "I don't like to publish my private life", "I've had bad experiences", "nobody else needs to know" and "I hope you can appreciate this." He did this as a small test, an introductory phase 1 buy-in into the control framework that was to follow. This planted the first seed that I should shut up.
The pressure continued to increase; he didn't want to spend time with my friends. He'd voice that he didn't care about them, they weren't interesting to him, what were they to him; nothing. If I chose to catch up with them alone, he'd layer the guilt on about how I'd left him alone or left him out.
As I started to push back, because I recognized this as unstable behaviour and unacceptable, he tried to control how others saw me. One day I found him talking to my mother alone, he was telling her a raft of stories that were out context or half baked to represent me in a bad light. The idea here was if he couldn't fully control me, he would try control and change the reality of those I referred to for help/grounding. If he could sell the reality he wanted to my mother, when I sort grounding with her she'd dismiss my concerns.
They pre-warn you about the things you cannot say
This then escalated to expressing how he couldn’t understand why couples spoke to others about their problems. "It’s between the two of them", "someone will get paranoid otherwise" he would say. He told me stories about his exes, family members and friends cheating or abandoning him, justifying it with, "you know my history, that’s why I get paranoid, and that’s why you can’t do this."
Being an empath and incredibly loyal I was very concerned with hurting him further, so I agreed. I kept everything a secret and on the downlow at this point. My aim was to give him a loving environment where he could heal from his mistrust and find comfort in me. The impact on me was great however, I had to shoulder huge emotional stress and abusive from him with no outlet or support network. He did not want me to have any form of external grounding as it would undermine the reality and control he was trying to build on me.
Additionally, I was also not allowed to post any photos of us or him on any social media platform - from the outside looking in, it appeared as though we weren't even in a relationship.
They isolate you from your hobbies
He would half heartedly encourage me to try new things. Think of it as a backhanded slap; "you should definitely try it" all the meanwhile he'd be tearing down my confidence by saying things like "why are you doing this", "you don't understand", "you won't understand", "you've never done this before" etc...
When I did go forward with activities and things, he'd want a full report (where, when, who with and why) not for conversational reasons but rather to exert control.
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They sabotage your career & make you financial dependent
Many a woman has been subtly persuaded to give up their careers to start families, and then become financially dependent, so they couldn’t leave.
My narcissist's grand plan was to make me completely financially dependent on him. He could then use this to exert full control over me. I saw the progression of pressure; it started with "I earn so much, I'll take care of you" > "you're working so hard I want you to be able to focus on me" > "you'd be such a great mother and I want a lot of kids", "I only trust you with my kids" > trying to buy a car on a lease in my name, but that he'd pay for because I couldn't afford it > once we were married we'd have separate bank accounts and he'd put spending money in mine, but I'd never see the full financial picture > and so the story continues.
He was trying to build a financial trap which I would struggle to leave.
They gaslights you
Gaslighting is when someone intentionally screws with your reality and then says you’re crazy. This is a common way narcissists justify abuse: instead of telling you that you need help, they break you. Eventually, when you cannot trust your own senses, you become beholden to the version of reality the narcissist paints. Common methods include messing with the way you arrange your environment, insisting you did or said something else, and telling you you’re abusive/mistreating them.
I recall so many conversations where I was trying to express my emotions or talk through an issue, but instead of a normal conversation it always ended up where:
He'd cut me off mid sentence constantly to make me confused and lose my track of thoughts/point.
He'd bombard me with a multitude of questions, positioning me as a bad guy, and not let me actually answer them.
He'd use incredibly aggressive language and physical presence to intimidate me into submissiveness.
He'd try corner me.
He'd force me to repeat details before laughing at me and saying things like "look at you, you're wrong", "you're such a child", " you don't remember it properly" or "let me remind you".
He'd shout over me to provide the 'real version' of events and then tell me how wrong I was again.
If I left something out that I thought was not important/relevant or if I'd forgotten something, he'd used this as evidence of me lying, being wrong or hiding things from him.
He'd threaten me if he thought I was lying or making things up.
He'd punish me for not believing in his reality, not agreeing with it instantly, or not apologizing and trying to make up for being 'wrong' instantly.
They engage in intermittent reinforcement
The problem with being with a narcissist is that it isn’t all bad. I always used to say to my family, when things were great they were great! But when things were bad, my god they were really bad. It was like operating at either side of the scale, there wasn't much time spent in the middle. This can be really confusing as growing up we're told a relationship is built on the good and bad days. A part of you takes the times he can be decent or kind as evidence that he’s a good person. So eventually, you fall into the trap and willingly isolate yourself, following your narcissist's terms.
What you need to look at is the ratio of good vs bad, as well as, the severity of the bad days. Looking back I spent more days in tears, in fear of punishment and retribution, suffering from severe anxiety, walking on eggs shells, trying to preempt his thinking all in the pursuit of happiness and those good days with him. This is absolutely not healthy, and leave you completely emotionally drained which only further feeds into your isolation.
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