Sociopaths are not know for being the best type of partners, and this I can vouch for from firsthand experience.
They typically focus more on themselves than anyone else. When dealing with people they'll use others for their own gain. I saw how he held people in his hand as if playing cards, choosing to deal out people when required. Once he'd received whatever it is he was after, he either discarded them, placed the card back into his hand, and always picked up.
Sociopaths are chameleons and very good at hiding who they truly are. Throughout the relationship, I saw him mirror people. He showed them what they wanted to see. Behind closed doors however he was a different person. I was under strict instruction to do the same, it was like one big show. If anything was to his disliking, I was punished. Gaslighting was tactic he often used to control and influence me. Sociopaths can take many forms, depending on what it is they're looking to gain from the relationship; intimacy, investors, allies, contacts or cannon fodder.
Many Sociopaths are impulsive, lack empathy and have no issues manipulating people (even those closest to them). They don't feel like rules or even laws apply to them, and they often put themselves first and may not feel genuine empathy. Spotting a sociopath is difficult because they are basically masters at manipulation and know how to act around someone in order to stay undetected.
If you are worried you or a friend may be dating a Sociopath, below are some habits I found and experts say they have in relationships.
1. They Communicate A Lot In The Beginning
Sociopaths may lack empathy, but they're excellent observers. They sense one’s vulnerabilities and use this knowledge to manipulate you. This can be seen at any stage of a relationship.
Sociopaths often follow a typical 3 wave phase in a relationship: idealize, devalue, and discard. At the beginning of my relationship, he said everything right to ensure I bought into the relationship, felt special and was excited to get to know him. Towards the middle it was used to groom me to his liking. He spent hours on the phone to me either calling or texting, strangely not on facetime though (but he would with other women). I also suspect this was a form of control as he could track what I was doing as he saw me as an item to possess. Most of you are probably thinking, WOW that's amazing to have constant communication and attention! Well in most cases you're right, however as I came to find out this type of attention can quickly fade, and be used as a grooming tool or punishment.
2. They Stay Friends With Their Exes
Sociopaths see people as things to manipulate. It's common for a sociopath to badmouth their ex or people who they were once close with. This type of behavior goes beyond not liking the other person anymore, it's about the destruction of a person and their reputation. However, they will keep an ex GF or lover around if it's beneficial to them. in 2017 the journal Personality and Individual Differences said that people who have "dark" personality traits such as narcissism, duality, and psychopathy try to keep their exes around. These people tend to stay friends with exes for self-serving reasons like a desire for love, adoration, status, information, money or intimacy. For a sociopath, it's typically fairly easy to get back in an ex's good graces. Once they figure out what someone needs to hear, they can easily say it and continue on doing whatever it is they want to do.
I saw it firsthand. Typically he kept exs around to provide consistent adoration, confirmation, sexualised content and ego polishing. Outside of this he was using one ex for their US address to maintain US bank accounts and another to write prescriptions under their name but for himself. When I confronted him about his US pet (as I came to call her), he said he was only using her for the US address, that she lies and is crazy, broke his trust, I'm over reacting, nobody else would act like this, this is normal blah blah blah. Fast forward, he's now saying he loves her, she was there at a hard time in his life and it's something I'd never understand, and that I shouldn't be jealous or worried about it. Fast forward again, he's now telling my mom about a US girl he's still deeply in love with and I can tell he is very much still showing affection to (but now he's locked his phone to me and hides his messages every time I walk by).
3. They Have A Person Who's Well-Liked In Their Corner
Sociopaths see people as either potential targets, rivals or predators. It's a transactional type relationship and usually they'll stay as long as they're getting what they want. Nothing is off limits and they nearly always have a justification, excuse or reason for doing what they do.
As their respective partner is an object to showcase or tool use in their mind, they look to form relationships with people who are well-liked and have good character. He saw a ideal breeding partner in me. I am a fairly traditional, family oriented person and have high morals and ethics - i.e. perfect to run a house filled with kids. He also saw that I could be useful to advancing his professional profile. I am a skilled graphic designer, sales person and present well - i.e. a good handbag to flash and entertain people with. The cherry on top is I came with savings, and he very quickly started to count them as his own.
A high-functioning sociopath will feel like they have credibility or status just by being associated with a well-liked person. While it is one thing for someone to have popular friends, a sociopath will use these friends for personal gain.
4. They Like Spontaneous, Thrilling Dates
Sociopaths are known for acting impulsively. They want what they want when they want it. They commonly seek gratification without considering the consequences. They also get bored very easily. Reflecting on my own experience, despite being on the verge of marriage and wanting to 'build a life together' he made decisions without discussion or consideration of my feelings. One day he bought a $190,000 something car, and another he rented an apartment in an area that doubled my travel time to work (but was convenient for him).
While this behaviour can be exciting and often be mistaken for ‘spontaneity’, sociopaths are constantly looking for novel thrills and risks due to their low self-discipline and boredom. This need for excess stimulation could be a result from trauma in the past. As studies have found, some sociopaths do have a reduced response to fear especially if they experienced major stress and trauma in their life. And admittedly he had experienced trauma, but unfortunately chose to define himself by it and wear it as a chip on his shoulder. A professional victim.
5. They Keep It Cool During Extremely Hard Times
Sociopaths tend to stay calm in even the most absurd circumstances. For them it's more like they couldn’t care less about what happens. They are emotionally walled off. They struggle to perceive what someone is going through emotionally, connect with it and show compassion.
I remember one night raising a concern that I felt as if all I was to him was an object. A possession of his to move around as his pleases. That should he choose to discard me, I'd have no security net to fall on as he wanted me to be a stay home mother with no visibility into the finances (as we'd have separate bank accounts which he'd manage). I voiced my concerns that I'd have no say in our life and would literally be a puppet of his. Told what to do, where to go, how to act ... I remember crying and pleading him to say something, provide some form of comfort or reassurance. It turned into an anxiety attack. He couldn't understand my feelings, just listened, asked if that's all and then went to sleep. I was left crying and questioning myself.
6. They Want To Know Everything About Their Partner, But Will Share Little About Themselves
A sociopath will give you just enough information to feel like you're in the know, but in reality, it's rarely anything deep or personal. Turn the tables however, they'll want to everything about you. This is partly to assess how useful you are to them and in what capacity.
They typically paint a rosy but vague picture of their childhood and family. In part it's often because they come from dysfunctional and abusive origins. Revisiting it would only bring up pain that would make them feel small or weak, like they felt as a child. This would feel intolerable. Alternatively, some may even talk about a fantasy version of their childhood in order to disarm others, tap into someone's vulnerabilities or appear more trustworthy.
I found out a lot of truths by asking a lot of questions. He often told stories in half context, half truths or lied. I'd have to mentally keep track and dig for what I was missing. It was emotionally exhausting. I couldn't trust anything. I felt like the police trying to piece together a crime scene. In the end as I was getting too close and breaking his fantasy world, he started saying that I was fighting him, I should just accept what he was telling me and I was annoying, over reacting or not intelligent enough to understand.
7. They Overwhelm Their Partners With Affection, Then Take It Away
To keep their partner off balance sociopaths in relationships may be overly nice. If it’s to their advantage to be sweet, kind, loving and nice, they will be. They like to keep their partners hooked and addicted. Who doesn't want to feel loved?! They tend to love bomb a partner. They'll shower them with attention and affection, and then out of nowhere take it away. This is a tactic to keep you under their control and used to manipulate you.
In the beginning of my relationship it was a whirlwind romance. I thought I was so lucky to have found someone that clearly cared so very deeply for me. But as time passed, he used this as a punishment. If I did something to his disliking I got the silent treatment and no physical contact. Depending on the severity, I got cut out from his 'inner circle' as well. I wouldn't be told anything about work, friends or family. In public though, you couldn't tell as he played the dutiful caring partner perfectly. He'd bait me with chances to improve or learn. He was grooming me using emotional abuse.
Some of these things did not seem big at first and in their own individuality. These habits developed so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent what was happening to me. Any level of security or love he established with me faded fast and was used as a means to manipulate and control me. In the end, I regularly suffered anxiety attacks, was left crying, feeling isolated, like it was my fault and helpless.
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