Have you every found yourself in a situation with your partner whereby you have hidden something or slightly bent the truth? It's human to err. I found myself in this situation, but the retribution was not something you can begin to imagine unless you have experienced it first hand.
When this happened I should note we were not officially dating or exclusive, we'd actually broken up 2 months ago and were looking at working things out.
I do not believe it is right to change events, to lie to put it simply. I was scared of his anger, of his fury, of his punishments. This does not make it right that I left out something I did and changed some of the events of my day to hide it. I can acknowledge my wrong doing.
Off the back of the yum cha & ex lover incident, I was subjected to brutal witch hunt at the hand of the guy I was seeing. The day after I got absolutely shredded apart and was left crying on the floor shaking violently from the onslaught and aftershock. He aggressively interrogated me, verbally abused me, degraded my worth as a person and threw endless threats.
When he confronted me I acknowledged I had bent the truth, wanted to correct it and apologize. He was not interested, he was only interested in collecting his pound of flesh and retribution.
He demanded evidence (e.g. uber receipts, photos, anything with geotracking etc), he would not let me finish my sentences and talk over me, he would aggressively throw questions to try make me loose track and undermine me, he would bend things I said to mean something else or take them out of context, he would insist I'd done things I hadn't - it was so incredibly overwhelming.
No matter how many times I told him the truth, it was always but you are lying to me and just tell me the truth. I recall asking if he'd prefer if I just lied to him, told him the story he was so determined to get out of me, would that make it easier for him to accept? I apologized so many times for it and tried to move on, but he was determined to make a lasting dent in my armor. He was determined to have his retribution. At that point I understood the futility of trying to defend oneself to a person who didn't care, wanted the absolutely worst possible case to be true and was determined to get me to agree to it.
His common talk tracks were; you are lying, don't lie to me, you've just changed your story (often after he'd misheard because he was so fueled up on the drama and rage), just tell me the truth and I will forgive you, I am giving you this one pass, nobody else has been given a pass, recapping everything I said and everything that was wrong from his perspective, how he doesn't care how I felt, how he didn't care about anything that was tied to emotions, how I was fake and insecure, how I was crazy, how I was a horrible person ... etc.
He was a big fan of verbal abuse and mental torture in order to control and groom people. At one point he threatened to burry me, my career, and all my relationships and make my life a living hell using every power in his being, because he is an incredibly vengeful person. Yes - he proudly described himself as a incredibly vengeful person. Yes - I'd seen this side of him before and directed at another. Yes - I believed he would and I was terrified of him. Shortly afterward he'd ended his inquisition and got his retribution, he denied ever having threaten me and said I was making it all up. For someone who'd absolutely brutally destroyed me for bending the truth slightly, I was absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of lies he had said within a space of the 3 hour conversation but would not acknowledge.
Ask yourself:
Have you ever had your partner interrogate you so mercilessly over something so small?
Do they talk over you and cut you off continuously?
Do they aggressively throw questions at you to throw you off?
Do they not care about why you hid something or bent the truth?
Do they invalidate your feelings and fears?
Do they constantly try to reassert how wrong and what a bad person you are?
Do they beat you down in order to bend to their will?
Do they demand you to apologize in a very specific way or using very specific words?
Do they demand their retribution and pound of flesh?
Once they have gotten what they want, are they happy to leave you broken, crying and shaking?
If you answered these questions with yes, please be careful and take care of yourself. You are not in a healthy relationship.
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